I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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