i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
This house was built for laser tag.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
