If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
