I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
