if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
