Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
