I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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