So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
