I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
try to milk me bitch
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