i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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