I accidentally had phone sex last night
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
