you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
