ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
