Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
