he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
