I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
