I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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