I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
