I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
