If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
