If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
