I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
