The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
