New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
