Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
