hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
