Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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