You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
