Umm I'm too high to move.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
