I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
