Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
