he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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