Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You are a genius and a whore.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
