I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Your dad touched me again.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
