Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
