True but thats because hes a fetus.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
