The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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