Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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