when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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