Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
