I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
