So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
