he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
