Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
