Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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