you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
