I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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