I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
