I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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