I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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