When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
